


Find a Higher Low

by elephantsofmemory



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephantsofmemory/pseuds/elephantsofmemory
Summary: Most of the time, Jillian loves being gay.





	

Most of the time, Jillian loves being gay. It's who she is, and being true to herself is extremely important to her. She never tries to hide it, likes to make it very clear from the get-go, and she's lucky enough that all of the most important people in her life accept her exactly as she is. But it isn't always as easy as she likes to pretend it is, and as clear-cut as her feelings on the matter usually are, sometimes they get muddled, and Jillian isn't quite sure why that happens.

She never had any problems with homophobia at school, mostly because she was deeply in denial and still trying to be straight like everyone else (badly, but she did try; she didn't know any better). And then at college there were so many people like her, and no one even seemed to bat an eye at it. In this environment it was easy for Jillian to finally accept her sexuality, it felt good and natural, and opportunities to experiment abounded.

And experiment she did. Jillian loved, _loved_ girls. She had a few short relationships, but mostly she liked to get to know as many girls as she possibly could, because every one was different in infinite exciting ways, and she loved them all. It didn't really matter what she ended up doing with a girl; flirty conversations or make-outs in the bathroom of a frat house were exactly as satisfying as taking a girl back to her room and waking up to rumpled sheets and coffee in the morning.

In college she also gave up trying to stick to any fashion or style at all, and just started presenting herself exactly as she felt like doing. She felt confident and comfortable with herself, and moments of heartbreak or self-doubt were few and far between.

When she meets Abby, and later Erin and Patty, Jillian doesn't feel the need to come out to them. Usually people can just _tell_ , and so it seems are her fellow Ghostbusters, because they never seem the least bit surprised when she flirts with pretty women in bars or talks about her college girlfriends. Jillian appreciates their easy acceptance; she would've been hard-pressed to compromise herself if they'd been uncomfortable about her sexual orientation, and she's glad that she doesn't have to have that fight with them.

She loves being gay. But as much as it's an undeniable part of her, sometimes it makes her unbearably sad, and she doesn't always understand why.

It's late, and the four Ghostbusters have long retired from the lab, shuffling upstairs to where their bedrooms are. But Jillian can't sleep, and although this is a regular occurrence, it's different tonight. She's sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring into space and trying to parse the weird, hollow feeling in her chest.

Earlier today Abby had said that Jillian was the gayest person she had ever met, and it had rattled something inside her. She doesn't know why, because usually she would take it as a compliment, and in fact she is sure that Abby had probably meant it as such. But for some reason, today the comment has struck a chord, and she's barely been able to think about anything else all day.

Jillian shakes her head quickly. She can't pinpoint why this is making her feel weird. Maybe some music will help, she thinks, and leans over the side of the bed to grab her earphones. She puts her iPod on shuffle and lies back, staring at the ceiling and willing herself to start feeling normal again. After a few songs, the knot in her chest is loosening slightly, and Jillian almost relaxes, but then the next song comes on. It's one of the ones that she used to listen to in high school, back when she was scared and confused and kidding herself into thinking she had crushes on boys, even though she didn't even know what they were supposed to feel like, and suddenly the hollow feeling swoops up and overwhelms her.

She starts crying so quickly that she doesn't even realize it's happening at first, only catching on when the first sob makes its way out of her throat. Jillian is not a quiet crier; she doesn't cry often, but when she does it's always loud and messy. She presses one shaking hand against her mouth in an effort to muffle the noises that are escaping her, but it's a battle she's destined to lose.

It's only when her door creaks open that she remembers that Erin is the lightest sleeper in the world, and that while Abby and Patty would probably sleep through a meltdown of their spectral containment unit, there was no way Erin wouldn't wake up from the noise coming from Jillian's bedroom next door to hers.

Jillian bolts upright and yanks her earphones out as Erin pokes her head through the crack, wiping ineffectually at her eyes. She tries to smile at Erin, but she has a sneaking suspicion that it doesn't look very convincing.

“Holtz?” Erin says hesitantly, squinting as her eyes adjust to the low light of the Christmas lights Jillian has strung up all over her room. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Jillian clears her throat when her voice breaks on the word. “Everything's peachy.”

Erin frowns and slides the rest of her body through the door, closing it softly behind her. “No, it's not. I heard you crying.”

“I-” Jillian doesn't know what to say. She can't even understand why she's upset, much less explain it to Erin, and tears are still leaking from her eyes without her permission. Her breath hitches, and Erin walks over to the bed and sits down beside her, looking at her with concerned eyes.

“What's wrong, Holtz?” Erin seems softer at night, less nervous, slower somehow.

Jillian looks away towards the ceiling, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. Erin is the last person she wanted to see her like this. Her efforts to conceal her crush on the physicist have been half-hearted and largely fruitless, but luckily Erin is completely oblivious when it comes to people liking her, so Jillian is fairly sure that Erin has no idea how she feels about her. Nonetheless, having a complete freak-out in front of her is not going to help matters.

Erin moves closer and hesitates for a second before gently placing her hand on Jillian's arm. “Holtz?”

“I don't know.” Jillian hiccups slightly and shakes her head. “I don't– I don't know. I was just here, minding my own business, and then suddenly,” she gestures towards her chest, “feelings. Weird feelings that I don't really understand.”

Erin's brows knit together, and she looks like she might be about to say something, but Jillian's mouth now seems to have a mind of its own. “I keep thinking about that thing Abby said earlier, that I was the gayest person she'd ever met. I think I'm upset about it? But that doesn't make any sense. I _am_ the gayest person _anyone_ has ever met. I'm pretty proud of it. Why would I be upset–“

A new wave of tears catches Jillian off-guard, and she's more confused than ever when Erin pulls her in and she buries her head against the physicist's shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut and sobbing and still not understanding _why_.

Erin just strokes her back in slow, circular motions, and eventually she maneuvers them so she's lying on her back and Jillian is curled into her side, Erin's arm winding protectively around her waist.

Eventually, Jillian's tears slow down until she is just breathing deeply against Erin's shoulder. Erin peers down at her before flicking her eyes away again. Jillian can feel her breathing.

“I was fifteen when I first realized I like women,” Erin says, still not looking at Jillian. “This one girl in my class just made me... feel things. I was completely freaked out about it. Didn't tell anyone for years. I kept telling myself that it was probably nothing, that everyone felt that way sometimes. I held so tight to the fact that I also liked men, as if that negated the other thing somehow. It felt really good when I finally had the courage to acknowledge it, but it also... changed things. The way I see myself. It was scary.”

They're silent for a long while, Erin trailing her fingers absently up and down Jillian's arm. Finally, Jillian sighs and closes her eyes. “I guess I'm not very good at making myself work through my feelings. Don't really have the patience for that.” Erin huffs a quiet laugh. “When I realized I was gay, I just ran with it, it just seemed so fitting, and in college everyone was so accepting. I never ran into any serious problems because of it.”

“So you figured it out when you were in college?” Erin asks.

“Well, technically I knew way before then, I just– I just didn't want to admit it to myself, I guess. Like you said, it was scary.” Jillian hesitates for a second before continuing. “I remember when I was twelve, maybe thirteen – I didn't really freak out, it was just– I realized that I only ever liked the female characters in movies, and that I wasn't really sure what a crush was supposed to feel like, because I never felt anything special for any of the boys, and I was scared – terrified – that I was... that I was a lesbian. Then I guess I went 'nope, not thinking about that', and I didn't, until years later, and” she throws her free arm dramatically into the air, “here we are!” She lets her arm flop back down onto Erin's stomach.

Erin waits for her to continue, and when she doesn't, she gently prods. “So, is that why Abby's comment upset you? You were scared?”

“Scared?” Jillian scoffs. “Look who you're talking to. No, I – I don't know. I think I just sometimes... sort of disconnect from the fact that this is my personal identity. Like I'm so busy being gay that I forget that I'm – gay? That makes no sense, it's so stupid–“

“It's not stupid,” Erin cuts her off. “I'm not sure I know what you mean, but if it's upsetting you, it's not stupid.”

Jillian huffs, frustrated that she can't explain this better. “It's like, I'm so lucky that all the people in my life accept me, and it's so great being gay when I'm at a gay bar or Pride or something, but then sometimes I remember that at the end of the day this is who I am, and I can't change it, even if I wanted to. And even if I don't have to interact with them, there are people out there who think I'm unnatural for feeling this way, but they have _no idea_ what it actually feels like, that it's not something you can change, and I think that's what's making me– it makes me... really sad.”

Erin tightens her arm around Jillian and stays silent for a while.

“I think I understand,” she says eventually.”But I'm not sure what to say.” She looks down at Jillian for the first time since they lay down.

Jillian looks back at Erin, taking in her concerned expression, the way she's nervously biting her lip. “You don't have to say anything,” Jillian says softly. “This isn't something anyone can fix, it's not that kind of problem. It just took me by surprise a bit, is all. I couldn't figure it out. You helped, though.” She tries a small smile, and it feels more sincere this time. “I'll be fine.”

Erin nods, but doesn't take her eyes off Jillian's.

They stare at each other for a long moment, and then Erin leans forward to close the gap between them, but their lips only touch for a second before Jillian pulls back.

She sees the mortified look on Erin's face before she turns her head away, and Jillian throws her arm around her, holding on for dear life.

“No, please, I– Erin, look at me.”

Erin complies slowly, lying back down with a defeated sigh.

“Yes,” Jillian says, squeezing her arm around Erin's middle. “Yes, definitely yes, that is definitely something I want to do, one hundred percent. Just – today has been a weird day, and I'm still feeling all scrambled, and... can you just stay? For tonight? And then tomorrow there will be a lot of that probably, just. Stay. For now. Sleep. Please?”

She stares pleadingly at Erin, and then all the tension melts from her body when Erin whispers “Okay.”

Erin turns on her side and pulls Jillian towards her, and Jillian can't wait for tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to publish this, because it's pretty personal and I also feel like it might be kind of out of character? But I worked too hard on it to just let it sit in my files, so.
> 
> Also a lot of this was inspired by the song Livewire by Oh Wonder, please listen to it it's great.


End file.
